someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
