shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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