um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
