I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
