i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
