I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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