she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
