Betty ford says i'm here all night
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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