i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
