I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize