turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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