If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
