Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
