I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Less talking, more tequila
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
