oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
