I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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