I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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