Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Two words: blizzard sex
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
