the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
