omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
