i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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