Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
