I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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