Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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