Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
