apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize