new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
