I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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