Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
