you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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