An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
