3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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