Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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