Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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