Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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