So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
God, you're like boner-b-gone
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
