His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
