I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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