It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
