I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
