I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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