Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
