Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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