i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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