Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
