everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
