My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
