new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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