dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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