Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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