I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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