My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
