FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
