she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
