if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
