I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just blew my weed a kiss
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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