I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
