I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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